Some days, I’m deceptively average.
I pay the bills and fold the laundry and scrub the toilet and eat at least two meals a day. I post flower photos on social media and laugh at all the appropriate things, and I wear jeans and a tee and appropriately worn in sneakers, and my ponytail is just the right amount of disheveled so that I don’t look like I care too much.
And then there are days like today, the ones where my daughter goes “Oh, it’s one of THOSE days” and my boys just nod and tell me to be safe. Days where they know the only reason I’m asking if they want to come with me is so they can decline, and so they know where I am.
Some times there are days where I find myself heading outside in work boots and jeans in the rain preceding an incoming hurricane to start work on a bamboo wall I’ve been planning for months. Days where I find myself heading outside in the rain because I’ve already worked on all three paintings that I have in progress, and the paint just isn’t drying fast enough for me, and I know better than to keep working when the paint is wet. Days where I find myself heading outside in the rain because the mosquitos won’t be out, because it’s 20 degrees cooler, but mostly because it doesn’t matter what the weather is, I just can’t sit with my own thoughts anymore and I refuse to drink enough to numb the hurt and grief and loneliness. So I head outside in the rain, not caring if heading outside to dig grass clumps the size of basketballs means that I am going to be seen as crazy. What does it matter? I might as well go all in and not hold back if it helps make the day easier to get through. I might as well just do whatever it is I want, whenever I want, however I want – it won’t matter what I do, it’ll be judged anyway.
I might as well just do whatever it is I feel like doing whenever it is I feel like doing it. I might as well go all in, I might as well shine as bright as I possibly can in any area I feel like it, and if that means I am digging out a fence line and hauling ten foot long lengths of 6″ thick bamboo in the advance rain of a hurricane alone while raging at losing the love of my life and then being told I was too much like someone else’s ex to be worth the time, well, then so be it. If I find myself soaked to my skin in the pouring rain with a broken shovel handle, but with a good start on a wall I wanted built, and feeling a little less angry at the person who told me they didn’t use a messaging app only for me to find out they did, then so be it. I got my wall started, and I made progress on cleaning out my backyard for other projects; I’ve accomplished something. I’ve experienced a greater depth of my own capabilities, I’ve gotten to know myself better, and I feel better on top of it all.
I don’t really think that’s crazy, to be honest with you. Rain is nothing to be be afraid of for starters, and honestly, when you find yourself with the energy and motivation to do something, you should do it. So what if the circumstances aren’t perfect? They never are. If life gives you a chance to do something, have something, experience something, embrace something incredible – you should go after it, perfectly ready or not. We’re never really completely ready anyway, we may never get another chance… and a little rain’s nothing to be afraid of.