I’m exhausted and hurting.
I’m feeling not good enough on multiple fronts.
But I’m slowly working my way through letting go.
There’s been so much letting go.
But I have to, if I want to make room for life’s full potential. I have to let go. I can’t keep crowding myself with the expectations and reminders of where I was not Right or Enough for others, of where my life fell short for others.
It hurts, because I’d like to think people could see the worth in what I’m doing and where I’ve been, but they don’t always, and while it is their prerogative and right, it’s not healthy for me to keep the reminders around. I have to be honest about what I want to hold on to, even when it hurts or feels like a betrayal to let go.
So much has changed in the last two years. More in the last 8 months. More than I have words for in the last four months. In the last two months, it’s been just downright painful with how intense it’s felt.
This quote has been resonating hard the last couple months:
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” – Alexis Carrell
I barely recognize myself with how much remaking I’ve done. Close friends have said similar – I am not the same. My FAMILY has said the same.
And as much as I might not like it, with that, comes letting go of what doesn’t fit.
Holding on leaves you exhausted, and unable to reach for what brings you joy. You have to let go of the hurt to make room for the joy. It means facing the hurt, too. It means admitting it hurt, and that you don’t actually want it back. It means accepting that you want to move forward without it, and that doesn’t mean you lied or didn’t love it then. It just means it’s time to move on.
I hold old experiences entirely too close to the places from where I make decisions. It’s human nature to do it, but it’s not healthy or conducive if you’re trying to break new ground. It’s useful from a survival perspective, and that’s why we’re hardwired that way – but it doesn’t serve me anymore, not for what actually makes me happy.
And right now, I’m facing the choice of either finding and chasing what makes me happy with everything I have, no holds barred, or working myself to exhaustion while trying to keep everything copacetic with people who are long gone. Maybe I am raw, and honest, vulnerable, open hearted, too kind, too willing to give and trust. Maybe. Or maybe I’m standing in a place of immense power and courage because that’s where I’ve been called to stand, in order to hold space for those ready for that step forward.
Maybe the rejection isn’t because I was wrong or inadequate in the way that it felt when I was being rejected by those I am now letting go of – maybe they were just scared of what I wasn’t scared of, and maybe that’s why even now, I still can’t hate them or fault them.
That doesn’t mean I will let them limit me, however.
Will there be people who say I’m crazy? Oh, hell yes. But I have it on good professional opinion (after years of therapy) that I am unequivocally Not Crazy, and am very sane and normal – I’m just that damn rare.
All those pretty words said: I’m still beating myself up pretty hard core right now. I’m behind on things I feel like I shouldn’t be, I’m doubting my abilities, I’m exhausted, I’m doing more in one day than most people I know do – and most of my friends are overachievers on their slow days. But, like Rhys and I remind each other: we chase failure because it’s how you learn what your actual limits are. Until you fail, you don’t know the limit of your capabilities.
And so, I chase failure. Right now, because I don’t really have any other choice. I stand to lose my home and work if I don’t make the businesses work. I let my kids down. I don’t want to do that.
So I’m not giving up. I’m chasing down and finalizing multiple wholesale accounts. I’m fighting to not let my art practice drop. Granted, my yard hasn’t been mowed and my garden is a mess and I should be working on that for my really long term goals, so I do tiny bits there when I can. And oh, I’m joining a chorale group because I need the reminder that there is hope and human interaction out there – life can’t just be work and driving. I want more gallery openings sitting on the outside pavement, vaping and talking and avoiding people, with Rhys at House of Shadows. (If I don’t submit to their next call, I am kicking my OWN ass.) Oh, and then there’s the occasional swoon worthy selfie from someone we’ll just call The Composer – they definitely help remind me of more, uh, personal reasons to keep going. And, yeah, also I want more conversations with Jeff about cats and quantum mechanics and art technicals and to see what he does when he starts to dig deeper into his current body of work. I want to see my middle son graduate high school, and my daughter, too. I want that solo show. I want people to know my name. Spite? Fuck yes, but also to prove myself right.
So I keep throwing myself against a wall that feels, right now, that it won’t give – and I do it because I want those things and I won’t give up on them until I’m absolutely broken. I haven’t had any of it handed to me, I’ve not had mentors or guides – just me putting one foot in front of the other into the dark unknown. And I’ll keep doing it.
And I’ll keep sharing it, even when it seems dramatic or weird or whatever. Because we need examples of people who tell the rules to fuck off and do their own thing. We need that. I needed that, and didn’t have it, so I’ll work to be the person I needed, for myself, for my kids, for you.
Fuck those who think it’s weird – weird is where the magic and discovery and transformation is.
That said, I am still absolutely exhausted, and the budget is terrifying. If you do appreciate what I do and have it to spare – come join me on Patreon. It’s deeply appreciated. <3