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I told myself I’d update this weekend. It’s… oy. Just, oy. 

I am a week behind on work, and while I have an actual medical excuse, I’m still more than a little irritated about it all.

The last two weeks have been hectic, and a little strange, and while not entirely bad, I can’t say I’m eager to repeat them. Or even get anywhere close to repeating them. It was a little intense, and a hint of rock bottom with a healthy dose of hope and new beginnings and way more barely contained chaos.

Some of it was the end of a cycle of work, and the entropy that life acquires when you’ve been eyeballs deep in projects that you forget (or don’t have time) to come up from air from. And there have been several projects that were undroppable there for a while, so other things had to give for a bit. Which means that I am now at least two weeks behind on podcasts and art and photography, a week behind on my own pens, and if it wasn’t for being months ahead on soap and incense, I’d probably be behind there. (Bonus: the soap business system I’ve built works as anticipated when things get hectic, and I now have real world proof of that.)

To be fair, my behind is closer to brushing up on deadlines – I tend to build in a lot of extra buffer because I’ve learned the hard way that you always, always, always, ALWAYS build in way more time than you think you’re going to need. I just hate cutting it that close, just in case something else goes wrong. You know, like this week did. (Complete with ER trip and so sick I could barely stand up for three days, but I’ll be okay. I mean, the ER doctor said I was fine to go home, and another doctor friend suggested maybe I consider beta blockers, but… I’ll think about it. If I can manage stress better, maybe it won’t be needed. Stop laughing, I CAN DO IT OKAY. 😉 ) But I really do not like it, and it adds stress, which I don’t need, and while I know I’m learning at a wickedly fast pace for what I’m doing, I still am running redline for way too many things to be entirely comfortable with it. I mean, at least it’s not some VC funded startup trying to go public with everyone watching (like a good friend of mine is going through right now) – just my own life and house and work. So, you know, still a pretty big deal. 

The kids are doing well, the geese are doing well, the grass is chest high in places (and I can’t say it’s really bothering me right now), I’ve tried flirting with people and I just… the general feeling is one of “what the fuck am I doing?”

I have no idea. 

I don’t particularly like it either.

As a result, it’s been uncomfortable the last couple of weeks while I tried some new things and tried to decide if I liked them. 

Yes, on top of everything else above. Look, if you’re going to do it, DO IT.

(I mostly didn’t like the things. Some were very disappointing. I will learn to hold no expectations someday, but until then, I am working my way towards it, one conversation at a time. I doubt it’s possible to be breathing and have a limit of greater than or equal to zero on the curve of expectations, a bit like trying to reach absolute zero in an actual [vs theoretical] thermodynamic system, but I am attempting anyway.) 

So, feedback obtained, changes made.

I spent today cleaning my room, complete with locking digital connections down so I wouldn’t sit at my desk. (Okay, outside of, like, one person who knows I’ve been a little fragile-like-a-bomb lately and would worry if I went dark for a day right now.) 

:sigh: That sounds so dramatic, and it irritates the hell out of me.

Seeing certain names online lately has been a reminder of ongoing hurt I don’t need to be doubly reminded of right now, especially stacked on top of everything else. It was just good to disconnect and try to forget for a bit, to get my priorities straight after the disheveled of the last couple weeks. It was also good for boundaries to just say, nah, fuck it, I’ll respond when I feel like it, I’m not sitting here waiting around for you nor will I give that impression in regards to some other conversations – conversations where that’s the other person’s manners towards me. Nothing wrong with that, but listen, it is an indication of how someone sees you, and I am not making someone a priority if I am not one for them.

So, hey, I’m learning to just step back and listen to when I actually want to respond. It’s challenging, especially because I’m so used to having to be immediate for both work and former relationships. (When someone is dying, everything is instant response required, to be fair. I haven’t shaken that yet, but I am working on it. To be comfortable responding on my terms, when I am ready to.) It’s not as often as I usually make myself. I push myself to be there for people even when it’s at cost to me, because I tend to put others first; I default to kindness because the world is already too damn hard. But I have to start putting myself first more often – or I’ll end up back in the ER. 

With how I’m feeling, and with the sheer number of disappointments lately… it may be a long while before I’m willing to do any more than the bare minimum outside of my work and for the handful of people I know are there 100%. I have an idealist hope that I’ll find someone who can match what I can put in, but even I know that’s idealistic. 

I’m getting more and more okay with that. I’m learning to be better at letting things be what they are – and are not. I’m getting better and better at not getting attached. It’s not exactly something I wanted to be, but I can’t afford the hurt anymore. Too much depends on me now.

Which also sounds dramatic, and also bugs me, but it’s not really dramatic. It’s just the damn truth.