So, the five clasps for Broken Tree Talismans that I made this past week – three I needed for orders – just aren’t holding up or, in the case of three of those five, just flat out broke. (This is why I stress test before even getting close to shipping.)
So, I make the clay thicker and do it again. Work on something else in the mean time. Simple, right?
I can tell when I’ve missed too many days of CBD and meditation when the first emotional, knee-jerk response to something going sideways is my inner five year old:
“Well, if it’s not going to work and it’s always going to be this hard because that’s life then I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE.”
Observe. Acknowledge. Lift back the layers to find out what’s causing such a strong reaction. Repeat.
I am my own therapist. It’s difficult, and tiring, having to not give in to the emotional-now responses, to maintain that awareness. It doesn’t get easier – it just becomes reflexive. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t so many times where I wished I didn’t have to maintain that awareness, where I could just cave to the feelings in the moment. Where I could whine and bitch and vent and let others deal with the fall out from my feelings, let them carry some of the weight of hurt and anger, instead of owning it myself. (I don’t mean sharing in a constructive way – I mean inflicting pain as a way to temporarily bury some of my own.)
I don’t like who I am or my life when I just react like that though, and I learned that a long, long time ago.
So Adult Zen Me takes Child Me by the mental hand and tells them it’s going to be okay, life is worth living, it’s just a minor set back. Even if Adult Zen Me is pretty damn fed up with things going sideways, too. I know the signs of burn out, but damned if I can figure out what I’m burnt out over. I should be able to handle a few little things at a time, right? It’s not like I have that much going on, or need to do that much, and life is good. It’s not like it’s a fraction as hard as it was just a few years ago.
And so I’ll keep observing, acknowledging, and lifting back to find out what’s really causing the hurt. Over, and over, and over again.
Because, otherwise, that voice that says life’s not worth living wins. And I just can’t do that to my husband or kids.