I was casually lost in modifying a bit commercially made hardware (on the fly) for an unannounced little project when it hit me, everything that it took to be standing at that lathe doing that work, so effortlessly and confidently, without hesitation or doubt.

The years of trial and error to teach myself casting, turning, machining, 3D printing, pen construction, and more. The lockjaw determination to show up at the lathe every single day, even when I was grieving, even when I was driving 7 hours a day just to get my kids to and from school while also working two other businesses trying to make ends meet. The methodical and often Spartan way I approached growth and skill acquisition over the course of years, just to be able to make the ideas I had with the skills I didn’t yet have.

In the next heartbeat, the only thing I wanted was to be able to show Steve everything and hear him tell me just one more time that I’m magic.

I started sobbing, and it has been a long time since grief hit with that kind of force. To miss being loved is one of the things that no one can prepare you for when you lose Your Person. I count myself lucky to have had that at all, but even four years later, I have moments.

Some of this is just February – the obvious holiday, but it’s also my birthday the week after, and he got a huge kick out celebrating. Knowing me, I’ll probably work.

Practicing magic on my own is better than trying to convince someone else to believe in it.

I deleted or paused all the dating apps I’d been on over the last two weeks. I am already exhausted from work, and being worn down more from putting in more effort than is returned to get to know people and disappointed by a lack of effort just isn’t a smart business decision – not with how much I’ve put into getting to where I was standing tonight.

The last straw was being asked this week by two different men – one who admitted not even reading messages beyond what the lock screen notification showed – to drive five hours round trip for drinks with them, without even offering to meet halfway.

I just cannot justify the energy to be magic for people who don’t even believe in it enough to look for it.