Blog

The #FailParty

[et_pb_section admin_label=”section”][et_pb_row admin_label=”row”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

Anyone who has ever had a few drinks with their close friends will tell you that humans (of all varieties) experience more than just positive feelings. We get pissed. Frustrated. Discouraged. We despair, we doubt, we think about quitting and just owning up to our inherent nature as failures. We wrestle and fight with and struggle with the whole range of natural human emotion – and then we struggle to keep all but the most acceptable ones hidden. For women (of all varieties), especially as a leader in the direct sales industry, the acceptable range usually sounds something like this:

“Stay Positive!” 
“Think Positive!”
“Honey catches more flies than vinegar!”
“Don’t be a Debbie Downer!”
“No one likes to hear bitching!”
“Smile, sweetheart!” (*twitches*)

There are a dozen variations on that theme, and yes, most of us will hear them all – whether you you work in direct sales, management, or just exist in a passing female body. In many cases, when you lead (or just exist) as a woman, the only option for having feelings that you are given often is that of being the Perpetually Positive Pollyanna. (Unless you want to be a bitchy, ball-busting witch. :ahem: :eyeroll:)

Look, there is NOTHING wrong with being positive. It has established benefits, and being negative and critical can seriously drag a team down, not to mention your own enthusiasm. Being able to find the bight side, to turn a situation around into something that can be learned from and grown from is a critical skill of the best leaders. But you know what else is a critical skill of the best leaders?

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_blurb admin_label=”Blurb” url_new_window=”off” use_icon=”on” font_icon=”%%217%%” icon_color=”#ffffff” use_circle=”on” circle_color=”#713d67″ use_circle_border=”off” circle_border_color=”#213242″ icon_placement=”left” animation=”off” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_icon_font_size=”off” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

A good leader can sit with, and validate, a team member’s frustration, discouragement, and doubt as an acceptable, normal, part of the experience, and then look at it as a clue to an underlying issue to be worked on together.

[/et_pb_blurb][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

Validating the experience of the people you are leading. Empathy and acknowledgement of their experience is paramount to helping them succeed. This INCLUDES the not-so-rainbows-and-bunnies feelings. This means that a good leader can sit with, and validate, a team member’s frustration, discouragement, or doubt as an acceptable, normal, part of the experience, and then look at it as a clue to an underlying issue to be worked on together. The best and most successful leaders – the ones who invest in their team instead of relying strictly on numbers and statistics to succeed, the ones who engender loyalty over the long haul – are the ones who can sit with their team in the darkest places, empathize, stand strong and still say:

“Oh my gosh, YES, that DOES suck, and I have dealt with that too! I STILL feel that way sometimes. I know it’s totally normal, but it STILL SUCKS!”

They can be real and human with their team. They show their own humanity, their own fallibility, their own struggles, and in some seemingly-perverse way, it strengthens their team. Maybe not in the numbers immediately, but in the long term. It shows their team that their feelings are normal, but not enough to stop them. Instead of being perpetually positive, a good leader shows strength and resiliency in the face of really sucky experiences – and help teach their teams how to develop that same strength and resiliency.

How?

 

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

Meet The Fail Party.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_image admin_label=”Image” src=”https://www.abigailmarkov.com/wp-content/uploads/snappa_1466389304.png” show_in_lightbox=”on” url_new_window=”off” use_overlay=”off” animation=”off” sticky=”off” align=”left” force_fullwidth=”off” always_center_on_mobile=”on” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”] [/et_pb_image][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

There will be as many approaches as their are leaders, but the most effective method I’ve found (so far) for my team, is what we call a Fail Party. (#FailParty in posts.) It’s kinda like a pity party, only with the understanding that the focus is getting through the tough feels so they can be understood, worked through, and learned from. Sometimes the parties are private, sometimes one on one soirees, and sometimes it’s a full on house party. Regardless of what kind of party it is, it’s helped my entire team knowing that no one is going to be shunned, ostracized, (or pretend to be emotionally castrated) for being human. Knowing that being frustrated is normal has helped my whole team hang on through some tough places and come out stronger for it – and that includes me. That said, there are some basic rules for a #FailParty,  especially the House Parties. I’ll bullet list it for ease of reading, and for the skimmers of us.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

If it’s YOUR #FailParty:

  • Go into the #FailParty knowing it’ll end. It’s a temporary event, not a permanent mindset.
  • Don’t judge the feels. Observe them, note them, but don’t judge. None of them are bad, even the ones that suck to experience.
  • Wallow. Wallow so hard a pig in the mud would be jealous. Wallow and vent and bitch and rant in a safe space to safe people who get the process.
  • When possible, try to look at the feelings like when you have gas. It might hurt, it might stink, but until you get it out, it won’t go away. Then, embrace your inner kid, and once you get it out, make such a big deal about it that you can’t help but laugh at the extravagance of how big of a deal you are making of it all.
  • Once you’ve gotten the feels out, take a few deep breaths, and look for clues as to what triggered those feelings. Look for what you can control, and what you can’t.
  • Is there anything you could have done differently, or can try differently next time? If yes, brainstorm. If no, laugh at the absurdity of the situation, and look for the warning signs of that kind of situation so you can be prepared, should you need to deal with a similar one in the future.
  • Acknowledge that all of your feels are normal and natural, even if it’s tough to feel them.
  • Resist the urge to shame yourself or apologize for being human and having a human experience.
  • Instead, focus on appreciating the safe place and people who partied with you and finding satisfaction in having learned new things about yourself, getting through a tough patch, being strong and resilient, for not quitting even when things got tough, and for having more tools at your disposal in the future.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″][et_pb_image admin_label=”Image” src=”https://www.abigailmarkov.com/wp-content/uploads/snappa_1466391209.jpg” show_in_lightbox=”off” url_new_window=”off” use_overlay=”off” animation=”off” sticky=”off” align=”left” force_fullwidth=”off” always_center_on_mobile=”on” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”] [/et_pb_image][et_pb_blurb admin_label=”Blurb” url_new_window=”off” use_icon=”on” font_icon=”%%84%%” icon_color=”#ffffff” use_circle=”on” circle_color=”#713d67″ use_circle_border=”on” circle_border_color=”#afafaf” icon_placement=”top” animation=”top” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_icon_font_size=”off” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

Have you ever thrown yourself a #FailParty before? Was it challenging allowing yourself to feel and express some of the feelings you were dealing with? What did you learn from it? How did it help?

[/et_pb_blurb][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

If Attending Someone Else’s #FailParty:

  • IT IS NOT A COMPETITION. Under no circumstances do you point out how it could be worse, how you or anyone else has had it worse, how they’ll get back to being positive soon, how being negative doesn’t help, how what they are going through is no big deal or should be easier to recover from than [insert an experience that is not the one being discussed in the #FailParty you are attending.) NO. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS.
  • Empathize. Validating what they are feeling (“Ugh, I’ve been there too – it SUCKS!”) and let them know what they are feeling is normal.
  • Ask questions. How and why questions are pretty safe – why did that make you feel that way, how did that make you feel; what happened, if they are inclined to recount what happened is good too, and how all that made them fee works. Why do you feel that way about this also works well.
  • NO ADVICE UNLESS IT’S ASKED FOR. Not one iota. None. I know, it’s hard. We want to fix things and make our friends feel better, but I promise, not giving advice WILL help. So, until the person throwing the party begins brainstorming and obviously opens up for suggestions, THERE IS NO ADVICE. Advice given when someone is throwing  #FailParty that is still not in the brainstorming stage is the equivalent of telling someone that they need to hurry up with their feels because you don’t have time for it, which is a subtle but effective way of telling someone they and their experience isn’t important to you. DON’T DO IT. You wouldn’t want that done to you, would you? Nope. It’s like telling the birthday person the have to blow out candles and open presents when you want them to. It’s their party; don’t That Asshole.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″][et_pb_image admin_label=”Image” src=”https://www.abigailmarkov.com/wp-content/uploads/snappa_1466390149.jpg” show_in_lightbox=”on” url_new_window=”off” use_overlay=”off” animation=”off” sticky=”off” align=”left” force_fullwidth=”off” always_center_on_mobile=”on” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”] [/et_pb_image][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label=”Row”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_blurb admin_label=”Blurb” url_new_window=”off” use_icon=”on” font_icon=”%%141%%” icon_color=”#ffffff” use_circle=”on” circle_color=”#713d67″ use_circle_border=”off” circle_border_color=”#213242″ icon_placement=”left” animation=”off” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_icon_font_size=”off” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

These steps are going to look really familiar to a lot of you. Most of these rules and processes are ganked and cobbled together directly from the foundation approaches of most talk therapy AND active listening.

[/et_pb_blurb][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

These steps are going to look really familiar to a lot of you. Most of these rules and processes are ganked and cobbled together directly from the foundation approaches of most talk therapy AND active listening. So, yes, that means that this approach is well tested outside of my own team’s and personal experience. Yes, that means that you as a leader, and you as a team mate, are serving your team mate with some of the same techniques professional listeners and counselors and therapists use. It’s kinda cool, isn’t it?

(This doesn’t mean you’re now set to analyze their life story, or even a specific experience, of course; you’re just an even more awesome friend and leader.)

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_blurb admin_label=”Blurb” url_new_window=”off” use_icon=”on” font_icon=”%%169%%” icon_color=”#ffffff” use_circle=”on” circle_color=”#713d67″ use_circle_border=”off” circle_border_color=”#213242″ icon_placement=”top” animation=”off” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_icon_font_size=”off” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”] [/et_pb_blurb][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

And that, my wonderfully complicated, varied, and emotion-having humans, is how one seriously throws down and has a #FailParty. You don’t have to be in direct sales for this to work. It’s a pretty amazing approach for spouses or partners to use with each other, and for friends and parents, too. It’s versatile like that, with the added bonus of helping the person you are partying with feel accepted, welcomed, and respected as a whole human, with all of their parts.

So, let’s hear it from you: Have you ever throw or attended a #FailParty? What did you learn from it?

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]