First off: There are still a few labradorite,sodalite, and jasper art-pendants available, and of course, pens. I have some new, smaller, original ink paintings to scan and photograph for the shop soon, and more of these earrings are in the works.
And off we go.
Tonight, I am not On. My A-game is maybe a D-game. Maybe. I am tired and short tempered and grumpy and irritated by situations that will not yet be (or ever) resolved to my satisfaction, from disappointment I haven’t decided yet how to act upon, and with relationships that I’m on the fence about investing energy into. I am worn out from wearing so many hats, from trying to be compassionate and understanding, from old wounds being prodded, wounds around feeling misunderstood, unseen, underappreciated, unheard, tolerated, patronized, brushed aside. I am fed up, impatient, and a little reactionary – for me, at least.
I am, in other words, Not In A Good Mood, and very much In My Feels.
I am doubly irritated by this because this internal space feeds right into a well-worn spiral of self-pity and I am so tired of THAT, as well. I am also tired of talking myself out of it, if I am completely honest. Oh, and then I am tired of feeling like I have to be the strong, controlled, level-headed one, the one who understands, reliable, dependable, predictable to the point of feeling taken for granted – but I know that I allow that. (Yes, I recognize that I allow those things to continue, even as I am unlearning those things as I recognize them.)
Insert a very heavy sigh here.
I am tired. I am tired of even myself.
You know what I learned about myself when I’m this kind of tired?
This is the perfect time to ask myself questions, because all those free-floating feels turned up to ten mean that the answers come back loud and clear. (Often with force.) Not aggressive questions – active listening questions. If I am already in an awful mood, how much worse can I make it, really? Why not ask irritating questions like:
Why am I grumpy? Why is this situation or person bothering me? What other times felt like this? What do my body’s responses to thinking about this tell me? Where did it learn that these were the best-responses to this kind of situation? Why? What would make this easier or resolve it?
Sometimes that last question isn’t going to have a satisfying answer because occasionally (often) what helps most (sometimes because it’s all you can do in the moment) is to just sit there, mired in your misery, and wallow until your pores are so full of self-pity that even you can’t help but to laugh at the way it transformed you into a caricature of melancholy and anguish.
In the humor, there is truth. In drama, there is a raw honesty.
I am going to sit with my inner Drama Queen and see what they have to teach me about the ways I am not honoring my own sovereignty. Queens don’t usually cause trouble unless something’s off – and since I am feeling turned way off right now, Their Majesty is probably on to something. It may be that I need better boundaries, or I might need to do some inner work to show up differently, or maybe I just need to make some safe space for myself to validate my experiences of difficult emotions – but I won’t know until I listen, ask, and pay attention. I advise doing so, and the sooner the better. When a regent holds court, they expect us to show up, and if we don’t they’re going to keep upping the stakes until we do – and our inner Drama Queens are no different. (They’re wiser than we give them credit for. Go.)
Wishing you a less wallow-y week than me,
A. Markov
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