I try, for the most part, to be a compassionate person. (Really, really hard. Some days it is REALLY hard.) It drives Steve to distraction, because where he can see someone do something pretty shitty and write them off, I’m arguing half a dozen reasons why maybe we shouldn’t write them off just yet – maybe they had a hard day, maybe they aren’t that aware of their own behavior, maybe they had a shitty childhood, etc, etc, etc.

(Aside: Unfortunately, as Nice as this is, it gets me burned more often than is healthy for me. Just because someone HAS reasons for behaving in hurtful or insulting ways, that doesn’t excuse the behavior in the here and now, and not being aware is only so good as working to develop awareness.)

So, I’m working on toning down the Blanket Nice in favor of some boundaries and decreased bullshit tolerance, without reducing compassion; I’m working on having compassion for myself too, essentially.

It’s not really going that well. I mean, on one hand, it is. I’m much better about letting myself be angry at being hurt, insulted, lied to, and used. It’s taken me years to get to the point where I will validate and acknowledge as valid my own hurt and anger before I make excuses for the other person’s behavior. (Having self-compassion has been an exceptionally hard practice to adopt for me.)

And then sometimes it’s not hard at all. Sometimes, there is this wave of gnashing teeth angry that has me glaring at the ceiling and walls while clenching my teeth and muttering profanity with no other context. (Another bad habit, the teeth clenching. I know.) Today, today was one of those angry days. It wasn’t even a big thing that triggered it. It was little things, things like getting an invite to another art show run by people who snubbed me in favor of other artists that I introduced them to, and seeing someone sharing out a GoFundMe asking for money to buy more inventory for their retail business. (Small, insignificant stuff, really. I know. Feelings can be strange.)

I know insult and a twinge of sideways jealousy are under these, respectively. It was insult because I was asked to participate in those shows, and then was never gotten back to until after the opening, as an Oh Shit half assed measure, and jealousy because… well, I’ve to date not run a GoFundMe for my businesses, even though lord knows I could have used the money for materials and they are, and people are giving them thousands of dollars, and it feels like they get to cheat. (Hey, I admitted to jealousy!) Even my Patreon, there are (albeit tiny) perks to supporting. I try to give back no matter what, and I’ve refused to take money without it being in trade for something else. Give me money so I can invest in more inventory so I can make more money? No. Pride says no. (Another thing to work on, someone will probably say.)

While I have a pretty good idea why the art thing got under my skin, I have not fully worked out WHY the GoFundMe thing makes me teeth-gnashy mad. Because they have a more well-off and supportive support network willing to throw money at them without expecting anything in return? Because I have some twisted sense of integrity and feel like I should earn what is given to me? (Amanda Palmer, asking, etc, etc, I know.) Because instead of asking for money to pay my bills, I started multiple very small businesses to make ends meet that were outside of my passions, and worked even longer hours? Because in my mind, if your business isn’t making enough to grow, it’s not a business, it’s a hobby?

Maybe all of those? I’m not sure. I do know that I’ve still not started that GoFundMe, and I know that I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. Should I swallow my pride to make getting my currently-a-hobby businesses off the ground? Should I keep earning it? Should I use people to get ahead in the world, and discard people when they no longer have anything left that I can use them for?

Maybe. But I won’t. It’s going to get me hurt, and it’s going to mean I’ll spend more time than I really need to irritated or angry because I just can’t understand why some people behave the way they do, but you know what?

Compassion is not a theory – it’s a practice, and it is only deepened to the extent you use it. So I’m going to use it towards even the really difficult people – but I am going to use it towards myself first.